As a sad update:
My girlfriend and I are no longer together.
We broke up a month ago, after almost two years together; ironically it was the day I moved into my house (from a condo).
There is a lot to this, and I can't write it all here.
Unfortunately I feel that a number of things caused us to drift apart, and I regret not trying harder and letting it progress to where it got, although there were things that made my distance myself somewhat from the relationship.
She said on the day we broke up "you should have been my husband".
She was the one pushing more for the breakup this time; the previous short breakup was mutual (that one only lasted one week, and we don't usually see each other during the week; the first time we discussed possibly breaking up was the weekend of this thread; I was the one who instigated that one).
She called me a few times right after the breakup this time.
We spoke during those calls. I didn't write or call after that for a full month - I was thinking things through. When I did reestablish contact I wrote. She replied as soon as she got home from the holiday weekend (1AM). She wrote again, "as I said that day [when we broke up] you should have been my husband". I got the impression there was still a chance we could try one last time.
We spoke a couple of times the next day (shorter conversation from work and a long one from home).
The conversation from home ended with the fact that we had tried for two years (I really feel I didn't try hard after a while due to problems between us and doubts about our future).
She still loves me and says she always will; she also said I could call and/or write every day and she would be there (as a friend).
She did ask why I waited a month; and said if I felt so strongly why didn't I do something sooner, like, for example, show up at her place and say I wanted to be with her (i.e. couldn't be without her). In other words, I think she was still waiting for me to make a move. There are a number of reasons why I didn't.
She says she wants to be happy and that she hasn't felt that way in a long time; however there are also lots of things too personal to her state of mind and personality that I can't write here that played on my mind and made me hesitate and diminished our relationship from my point of view.
I am confident that someone at her new job is giving her advice; she changed dramatically after going to that job.
She has more self esteem, it seems, which is a great thing.
She also earlier on in the relationship had said she wasn't good enough for me (I have had most women say that at one point of another - I think it is a combination of lack of self esteem - I attract those kinds of women since I am easy-going and approachable and caring in terms of their problems and I also have thankfully led a very fortunate life in terms of family, health, career and being able to live in multiple countries along the way; the women had all been hurt by family events or boyfriends in the past, most [I only had a few serious relationships, so most sounds strange, but anyway...] also had divorced parents).
Before me she almost got married to a loser she met online in a chat room of mutual interest (its theme was one of her hobbies); her family had to convince her to cancel it - her sister who is usually quiet and reserved stormed out of the house one day saying she didn't want her to get married to this guy who apparently had an eye for her sister. Before that she also dated a guy for four years (puppy love) who didn't treat her well and whose mother didn't like her and said some very mean things, especially when they broke up. Her family loved me.
It is complicated to say the least.
I still love her very much and miss her.
There may still be a chance, but I don't know if I want to get engaged
in order to get her back (she is 36 and her clock is ticking as is that of all women her age or younger); some of her traits worried me and she had some health issues that affected her mental state. She says that some, even many, of her traits were brought on by not getting as much out of our relationship as she thought she would. We had started out very very romantically and everything was close to perfect at the very beginning.**
She possesses many great qualities (very loving, caring, concerned for my well being).
I admit that there were periods, mostly near the beginning of our relationship, when I was more into PC stuff than I should have been and that I took the relationship for granted.
Big mistakes, I know.
I wrote her on Friday, and haven't heard back.
I don't know if she is away (she wanted to go to visit he father this summer; her parents are divorce) or if she doesn't know how to respond -I mentioned in my e-mail that I had hoped we could try again (something to that effect), but that I understood her explanations and that I would never want her to feel pressured.
Anyway, I wanted to give an update, thank you all again for your input and support, and maybe even realize some things in the process of writing this post.
Have a nice Sunday all!
** One last thing: I suggest, as a friendly reminder, that others here
try not to take their relationships for granted and/or let them get to the point where they are just part of the every day cycle.
Try to do romantic and special things at least once in a while.
I know with our jobs and other responsibities (buying a house e.g.) priorites can easily become shifted.
I know I could have done lots of things better, despite the fact that I had my concerns which made me distance myself from the relationship thinking it wasn't going to work out.
I, unlike others perhaps, can't pretend nothing is wrong and continue to be actively in the relationship when I have serious concerns.
If only I had known (if it is true) that much of her state of mind was due to being unsatisfied in the relationship.
I take responsibility for all the things I could have done better and will pay the price, if any.
If only I knew exactly what was right in this situation.
I have mixed feelings; on the one hand I love her very very much) even though I didn't show it enough when we were together - big mistake) and I know she does love me very much too. However, based on things that happened, I worry about what the future might gold for us.
I wish I knew whether I should propose or move on...
Thanks for listening (if you even read this far
)
by UALOneKPlus on Sun Jan 18, 2004 9:36 pm 
